Stepping Into Your Power: Releasing a Toxic Relationship

My sister is in a toxic relationship with a cheater. I really don’t understand how she, of all people, ever got herself entangled in something like this. Do you have any advice? I’ve read most of your articles and would appreciate your input. Signed, Ted (not my real name). The subject line of the email caught my attention and became the theme of this post. I know! What a way to start off a new year. With that said, unhealthy relationships never take holidays.

Well Ted, thanks for reaching out. As you can tell, I got carried away. Apparently, I have some mighty strong opinions concerning this topic. Hope you find it helpful. I’m by no means an expert. However, I have experienced a romantic casualty which set the tone of the relationship. It also pointed out a few things: what I had to be aware of and what I had to watch out for. I referred to it as a casualty because I fell for a guy who wasn’t only deceptive; he was also a notorious player. I know!! Thankfully, the incident didn’t repeat itself. I was lucky. Some of my friends… not so much. But what I can tell you is I picked up on things early, which made a vast difference. 

SOMETHING TO CONSIDER 

Whenever we experience erratic behavior from someone we date, we can refer to it as a toxic relationship. A minor irritant to say the least that can flare up into something major given time. The last two words of the last sentence are key. Here I’ll allude to, the less is more approach. Less time, less emotion, less physicality invested in something like this, the better. The thing is, too many of us encounter toxic personalities. So it’s just as well I write about it. Some of us will recognize dysfunction, but there are those who don’t. 

After learning of any indiscretion, we have a choice. Yes, we do. We can gracefully exit, delete, block, and get on with a beautiful life. Or… we can continue to engage someone who’d never man up. These are the guys who refuse to consider that actions bear consequences. Do they know the person they are involved with feels the way they do? Unlikely. After all, jugglers are far too preoccupied balancing other connections. At this stage, does it matter whether they know how this affects you? No. No, it doesn’t. They showed us who they were and, well… we just did what was best and moved on. But there are some of us who don’t move on, and that’s a problem.

BIDDING THEM FAREWELL 

A graceful exit will speak volumes. Yes, it will. It’s also more in line for someone who has zero tolerance in dating anyone who enjoys playing the field. Who has time for that? Nevertheless, it may not be that easy for those who underestimate time, wasting it on some guy who doesn’t get it, or doesn’t care. Thankfully, I was in the former class and not the latter. After all, I had complete faith in my ability to attract a more suitable option. Which I did. Plus, I had way too much self-respect and self-love to tolerate a disrespectful situation. I did what I had to do, and respectfully sent them on their merry way, deliberately dismissing them. No hard feelings, no remorse. 

ASSESSING RELATIONSHIPS

It’s important we assess all of our relationships. Toxic impulses aren’t just limited to romantic partners. Other people in our lives can also exhibit harmful traits. But for this post, we’ll focus solely on the people we date. Is the connection worth preserving when it delves into toxicity? No. No, it isn’t. Keep in mind, it’s impossible to sustain positive energy in a toxic relationship.

How will you ever gain any traction? You wouldn’t. It will be challenging, to say the least, especially if the individual refuses to be upfront, open, and honest. Rather than communicating their intentions, these individuals favor sneakiness. 

We can gage character by simply observing behavior. Yes, we can. When someone we date exhibits toxic habits, we can detect emotional immaturity, as these two go hand in hand. But there’s a much broader issue that we’ll have to leave to the experts. I’d like to point out, you will have a far more meaningful connection and a deeper bond with someone who exhibits maturity over someone who doesn’t. 

LET’S BE CLEAR ON THE DIFFERENCES

An ideal partner is someone decisive, not someone halfhearted. They will prioritize you, giving you their full attention. But not only that, they will readily share their emotions and concerns. They know how to communicate effectively. A great guy will have an interest in you and only you. No sneakiness here. He’s a one woman man who places the relationship on a pedestal where you are not having to share or compete. This suggests he’s serious. He’s a special guy who’s on a different level compared to someone who’s constantly distracted by all the eye candy. In a nutshell, the right man is the superior man. 

As for those indecisive types, they are far more susceptible to cheat. Why is that? They don’t know what they want. In a healthy relationship, you feel secure, whereas in the toxic relationship, you will endure nothing but instability. And how great is that? It’s not. Marry, cohabitate, or date someone flighty and you’re headed for a major disappointment. 

HANDLING THE UNHEALTHY CONNECTION – AKA TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Any involvement with a philanderer would not be in anyone’s best interest. Let’s see. We can only guess at the number of women they secretly juggle. Waitresses, baristas, their sister’s friends, a friend’s girlfriend, women they meet at bars, at the beach, and online. Whew, I’m sure the list is quite extensive! Let’s just say, pretty much anyone they deem attractive. They’re always on the prowl, searching for anyone who interests them. We can only imagine this occurred before they dated you, while dating you, and will continue well after the two of you part ways. Yuk! Major turnoff. Hopefully, they’re practicing safe sex. Just saying.

Curious about how to handle deceptive characters? Here’s the scoop. Handle them with kid gloves. Yes, you heard me right. These men have enormous egos. Tell them what they desire to hear, not what they deserve to hear. What someone desires versus what they deserve are two different things. Serve up a large portion of ear-pleasing words, then followup it up with an ironclad boundary served with nothing but love. I know!! Stay with me. A loving boundary is a must. I say loving because who wants negativity or drama? This is you, emotionally detached or nearing detachment, keeping the so-called romance strictly platonic. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. So boundaries are a must.

TIME IS VALUABLE – WHY WASTE IT ON A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?

Besides creating limitations, you are also setting restrictions, which serves a valid purpose. Think in terms of Fort Knox. This is a refusal to invest in something dodgy, and I assure you, any deceptive trait is indeed dicey. Disengagement serves as a key strategy for politely providing a womanizer with all the space and time they evidently seek. I don’t care how much you’re into this guy, pay close attention to the way he treats you.

Time is one of our greatest assets. Sadly, most of us take it for granted. Why on earth would we not use it wisely? Every minute counts. We don’t even think about this. This is also the time we make ourselves available, attracting someone more sensible, reliable, reputable. Someone of high moral standards. A non-toxic person. Why waste time on someone irresponsible? Why?

The key is to steer clear of anyone who flirts relentlessly, trying to play the role of Romeo with every female they find appealing. Besides being smooth operators, they are also charming as heck. If you find this too baffling, it’s because it is. 

Do you question the relationship? Well then, that just means you need to take your time to get to know the person thoroughly before committing fully. If you catch my drift. However, if you’ve already crossed that line, you’ll have to reconsider the role you play in that toxic relationship. The only route out is going platonic from here on in. It’s no different from saying… we’re done. This is action speaking louder than words. It’s here we reclassify the status, from boyfriend to acquaintance. This is now categorized as someone you just know. Did he see it coming? Highly doubt it. In due time, the message becomes clear. We can only hope.

SELF-CONTROL… HAVE WE LOST IT?

In no time, the so-called romance will wane. Two people, heading in opposite directions with no reason to acknowledge separation and no need for closure. This is where you celebrate. Not sure why a celebration is in order? Because it’s here, you meet someone new, someone who has your best interest at heart, someone interested in getting to know you, on a whole different level besides horizontal. What more can I say?

This is not only liberating, this is you in charge, tapping into your power, biding your time, while creating the life you desire. Confident you’ll meet that one special guy you can build a great future with. And who doesn’t want that? It’s in this secure, self-assured, and powerful stage of your life where you can ask: Is the individual I’m dating going to fit in with the lifestyle I’m creating? Can this fella take on a positive role in my life? Be honest. 

If the person you’re dating is toxic in nature, I beg to differ that they will be prepared to take on a trustworthy role. But that’s just my opinion. And if you can’t trust them, good luck securing happiness. Any involvement in something like this will be fraught with sneaky behavior, sordid affairs, and secrets galore. Who wants to put up with that? If they cheat but a short time after meeting you, imagine what they’re capable of down the line? Just a heads up for those considering a serious relationship. This would be a great time to prioritize more time with friends.

HONESTY IS A THING

You being honest with yourself opens you up to attracting a more worthy partner, a much stronger connection, a solid relationship. Isn’t that what you want? I admit, it was what I had in mind when I dated, and with that, I did what I had to do. After all, I heard what I needed to hear and seen what I needed to see. I held back and kept the connection purely platonic. Not an easy feat for some, but outright doable. In my case, this kept a not-so-great relationship at bay, which made a world of difference. By following suit, you are approaching a situation with strength rather than weakness, with self-control, unlike a toxic person who has no control whatsoever. 

SOMETHING LOST SOMETHING GAINED

Let’s face it, a breakup is a breakup, regardless of how it happens. As soon as a man cheats in a relationship, that, to me, is a breakup. And if it looks like a breakup, feels like a breakup… it’s indeed a breakup. Whew… okay, I got that off my chest. How we manage this time or any time apart for that matter is of utmost importance.

Tahlia Maskey wrote a great article on leveling up. I believe any man refusing to man up will always neglect to mention that they are still into seeing other people. Wow!! Maybe the fella lacked the sensitivity to be upfront to disclose who he truly was/is. By taking a serious look at what we’re vested in, we may even find we have somewhat checked out. Check-out is a great place to be whenever dealing with anyone harboring toxic tendencies. 

In all honesty, I admit I was unimpressed with the chap’s antics at the time we dated. I saw the relationship as futile and acknowledged it as his loss, my gain. Now, how many women look at it this way? Not too many. With that said, losing the so-called relationship encouraged me to meet someone more in line with the type of man I desired. 

Confidence was key, knowing who I was, respecting the fact the wrong man wasn’t the right man. There are plenty of women who possess the traits these deceptive characters desire and will full out eagerly pursue, and that is precisely what he did. In retrospect, I realized it wasn’t a genuine relationship after all, but a superficial connection that could’ve turned into a situationship. Not my cup of tea, if you know what I mean.

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP 

It’s just a fact, most men are prone to cheat, and some of them don’t readily change. Shocker! However, some players can indeed become the right man for the right woman. Perhaps some of these men are habitual daters because they haven’t found the right person. After all, isn’t that why we date in the first place? Yes. Yes, it is. This helps us determine someone’s suitability. We know within a short time whether someone is right or wrong. But the question is: Why continue dating Mr. Wrong, knowing what you already know about him?

Nedra makes a good point. What are you tolerating? I’m sure we don’t intentionally seek unhealthy relationships. On the contrary. Yet, much to our surprise, we find ourselves parked in some shady space, (no pun intended) trying to charm a disreputable character. These guys are extremely persuasive. So it’s wise to keep cagey (noncommittal) chaps at arm’s length, knowing that if we don’t, it could very well have adverse consequences down the road. 

By remaining in a toxic relationship, we set the tone. This in itself will lead to not only negative drama, but undue stress. In short, a toxic relationship isn’t only unpredictable, it’s also unreliable, and highly dysfunctional. A brief time-out and scrutiny of the toxic situation will reveal the complex nature of the connection. A serious negative, not to be taken lightly or misconstrued. Life is too short to put up with disturbing behavior from anyone, let alone from someone you love and trust.

KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW

The thing is, on some level, you know. If it doesn’t look right, doesn’t feel right… it isn’t right. Why do so many women delude themselves into thinking things will improve? You will gain significant advantage through careful observation, by listening intently, and tuning in to how you truly feel about what you are experiencing. Realistically speaking, these men always choose someone new, without giving it much thought. You weren’t chosen and if you were, they will always choose someone else besides you. Which leaves you with no alternative but to head in another direction, for the sake of your well-being, happiness, and peace of mind.

Let’s not forget, there will always be other suitors, another option, a healthier connection. Just putting this out there for anyone who thinks a toxic man is the only man in the world. The boy I dated chose a particular lifestyle where his behavior clashed with my beliefs and with who I deemed a model partner is for me. The nature of this guy just didn’t sit well, nor did it agree with my idea of the ideal man. Did I need to tell him this? No. No, I didn’t. So I simply delivered a strong non-verbal message after learning of his toxic actions and bowed out of the so-called relationship. He chose what he chose, and I… 

I chose someone else. 🥰

SAY WHAT? HOW DID I END UP IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?

Jane’s quote describes what takes place far too often in the dating world. Even though I went through something dysfunctional ages ago, it crosses my mind whenever anyone shares a similar experience. The power of recall is strong and can even occur through a simple email. And so it was with Ted’s request for guidance, which sparked a memory. 

Back in the day, I had to face the facts. How did I attract someone so insensitive? Who knows? It happens. Did I sit in this situation for an extended period? No. No, I didn’t. Thankfully, the said connection headed south rather quickly. Of course it would, as it had nowhere else to go. To this day, I’m thankful I didn’t suffer the same fate as the other women who have given him their phone numbers, their time, and affection. Those who chose him, dated him, trusted him… completely. Others opted to live with him. Toward the end of those relationships, we can only hope these women came out on the other side, stronger, smarter, and less tolerant of any toxic relationship. We have to remain not only realistic but vigilant. Some of us get this, and then there are those who never will.

As we all know, it’s a personal decision how long someone stays in a negative situation. My mom warned me, saying he’s not the one for you. A close friend told me to keep it moving. Did I listen? No. No, I didn’t. And then there was someone in his social circle who brought something to my attention. By then, I already discovered the truth. The thing was, I had to experience it for myself. We can only point out a few things, hoping to wake someone to the difference between a healthy connection versus an unhealthy one. Ultimately, it’s their choice.

KEEPING THE STAY SHORT IN SHADYVILLE 

We can learn a great deal from a toxic relationship. Yes, we can. The experience in itself imparts crucial lessons lasting a lifetime. I was fortunate to have gone through something like this very early in life. From my perspective, it’s always wise to grasp the lesson as soon as someone delivers it, and to understand that history often repeats itself. This alone justifies withdrawing our attention from someone who prefers to dwell in Shadyville. 

But what if you extend your stay in a toxic relationship because you find it too difficult to pull away? Well, if that’s the case, you need to question why. The lack of self-confidence and the unwillingness to move on will just keep you stuck in the wrong place with the wrong person. How you view yourself is key. It’s one thing to attract someone who is all wrong for you, but it’s another thing to knowingly continue down the wrong path, settling in the wrong space. 

What’s holding you from shifting gears, pressing pause, and redirecting your focus? You’ll never regret closing the door on a toxic relationship. In fact, you’d be doing yourself a monumental favor. Have your sights on someone with high moral standards, who is true to their word and true to the relationship. Wouldn’t you rather date a trustworthy man who appreciates and values the connection, where you feel peace and contentment, where you feel nothing but love?

EXIT STAGE RIGHT – FROM A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP TO A LOVING RELATIONSHIP  

It’s time to get clear on what the so-called-relationship is and what it will never be. Consider what this will mean for you and your future. By hanging onto something like this, how can you live your best life? Let’s get real. This is not only where you say goodbye to the boy, this is you, strong in spirit, saying sayonara to someone deceptive. Finally, closing out a bad chapter of that not-so-great romance novel, so you can move on to a better partner and a greater love life. And this is where I will leave you with Papaji’s quote, which is oh so applicable. I may have used this one in the past, but it’s so worth repeating.