Here you have it, the continuing saga, a spillover from last month. We have much to discuss regarding toxic relationships. Plus, I’ve received some compelling emails since my last post, citing the value of navigating through deception. Who would have guessed we’d need to navigate our way out of an unpleasant situation? I know! With that said, where there’s truth, there’s trust, and where there’s deception, there’s nothing but distrust. So, let’s delve deeper.
There’s a way to view and not to view most things in life. We may understand certain situations and we may even know how best to respond. However, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes we question the way we interpret and react. Could we try a different approach, perhaps choosing to view things in a different light? Perhaps.
Based on what we know, or what we think we know about a person or situation, we could chalk it all up to experience, call it a day, and get on with life. However, taken a step further, something didn’t quite add up or pan out the way we expected. And that’s okay. To be frank, some situations, especially the deceptive ones, are bound to worsen, given time. That’s a fact. With that said, this may be a realization, implying we were fortunate to have avoided a potentially problematic situation.
Some people have these epiphanies early, others only after significant time, and then there are those who remain clueless about what’s taking place right under their noses. Like the lyrics in a song by the O’Jays, “They smilin’ in your face.” And you, my friend, will be none the wiser.
A single lie and misrepresentation in a relationship makes one question every truth there ever was in it.
BOUNDARIES MUST EXIST WHEN NAVIGATING THROUGH DECEPTION
Firm boundaries together with clear navigation will be pivotal. It begins with you. It’s knowing who you are, where you stand, and that you deserve better. Despite the time invested in a not-so-great situation, we learn from the experience. Otherwise, we’ll have to repeat the lesson. Who wants to do that? This is where strong boundaries come into play, buying you some time to figure things out as you continue to maneuver your way through someone’s duplicity. Once we establish boundaries, we can relax and refocus on our priorities, setting our sights on success. Success in life, followed by success in love. Self-confidence is a must, believing something better awaits. No ifs, ands, or buts. But it begins with you.
Boundaries are limitations to our allowances. How much are you willing to tolerate? What about that threshold? This is really a defining moment, empowering you to do right by choosing right. We can admit to being temporarily caught off guard, or caught up in someone’s fantasy or game. Now what? They viewed us one way (as an option) while we viewed them as a choice. And that was it, the extent of the so-called-relationship. A connection that lacked stability right from the outset. Nothing more, nothing less. Despite absurd antics, in all fairness, this is where self-assessment and self-reflection are essential if we are to succeed.
OUR PICKERS ARE OUT OF WHACK – SAY WHAT?
In any relationship, particularly those involving deception, self-preservation, and self-perception, is crucial. By knowing, trusting, and valuing who we are, we stand in our personal power. What I realized at the time of dating the wrong person is that we won’t always attract what’s best for us. I admit it came as a shock that I was dating someone promiscuous. We date these people, thinking we know them. But we don’t. We may even continue these relationships, even after learning the harsh truth.
Perhaps “our picker” requires refinement before we can even take the steps in navigating through all the lies. This may lead to additional revelations, not only about the situation we find ourselves in, but the unknown truth about the individual we attracted. It also specifically points out something about us. In all honesty, everyone had a read on the guy I dated. Every one, except for me. What did that say? About me? I had only myself to question. The only thing that came to mind at the time was: How could my BS detector have been so off kilter?
BAD DECISIONS HAPPEN
Frankly speaking, we chose wrong. That’s all it was. We did, they did. It happens. They misread us and we somehow misjudged them. This doesn’t mean it’s the end of our love life. On the contrary. Life goes on and love continues.
The thing was, once I got wind of the shenanigans, I confided in a dear friend. He had insights into the challenging aspects of relationships. Despite what he’s been through, I still needed his take, along with some manly advice. Was I flying by the seat of my pants, with my perception in overdrive? After all, what occurred behind my back was a shocker, to say the least. My friend’s matter-a-factly response answered my question, yet what he said came as a surprise. He shook his head. “You already know! I’d ditch this guy. I’d never do something like that if I were dating someone like you. And if you decide to stick it out, I have no interest in ever meeting him.” They never met.
SOMEONE LIKE YOU
And so it was, a conversation that occurred what seems like a lifetime ago, pointed to three distinct words that captured my attention and to this day bears mentioning. Why was that? Could it be because those three words overshadowed everything else my friend said? Truth be told, I felt somewhat embarrassed after his response. Dump him. Okay, I get that. But those three words lingered and hung like the last three grapes on a vine.
Maybe my reaction stemmed from the fact that it was such a short time into dating what I would refer to as a habitual cheater. Realistically speaking, that wasn’t it at all. It was more in line with the way he said the words. The thing was, those words never left me. Sometimes we hang on to not-so-great connections a tad longer, giving those we date ample time to get it right. This I did, whilst I kept my options open. By the way, two wrongs don’t make a right. But the key here is… you can’t wait your life away for someone to decide to choose only you. I wouldn’t advise anyone to wait. So I didn’t. Just like the grape, we have to be picked.
VETTING THE CONNECTION BEFORE GETTING TOO SERIOUS
Those dating dishonest people question if they are to blame for the relationship’s shortcomings. Sadly, they stay in unpleasant situations for an indefinite period, tossing whether to stay or go. In the end, reaching no decision. Let’s set something straight. You’ve done nothing wrong, you just settled for someone who wasn’t the one. They weren’t the one for you, nor were you the right type for them. That’s all. Why second guess yourself?
Some choose to date these flirtatious types for years, others take it further, delving into cohabitation. And then there are those who get super carried away, getting married, building a family, while putting up with a man’s toxicity. Why do this? Have we lost total respect for ourselves? Let me remind you, whatever you decide, however you choose to live your life, will have repercussions that will have an impact. Not only on your happiness and wellbeing, but it will also chip away at your confidence and self-esteem. Just pointing out a few things, if ever you need to question yourself about a person who hides things from you. Andre sheds light on something important for all of us to note:
Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.
As crazy as it sounds, getting involved too soon without taking the relevant time to get to know someone first happens far more often than you think. While dating, it’s wise to observe behavior in every situation. Are there patterns unfolding? Vetting people is a thing. Yes, it is. And this is also where standards come into play. Too many people rush into things. That said, did the person have a candid chat with you, confirming the relationship was indeed a relationship and that it’s exclusive? Do their actions match their words? I’d place more weight on someone’s actions. Always keep it real.
WHEN THE ONE YOU DATE CHOOSES NEW OVER YOU
The right person is out there, but you will never meet them if you are stuck in something like this, with someone like this. Once you release a toxic relationship, an unhealthy connection, a deceptive person, you just have to remind yourself to choose better next time. Focus on someone who embodies love, who respects commitment, and who values you. By letting go of what wasn’t great, you free up time and energy for something that is.
Now, what happens if you cling to a flicker of hope, believing someone will change their wily ways? Let’s be realistic! The player won’t change, especially with cheating imbedded in their psyche, ingrained in their attitude, and living comfortably in their DNA. This is the type who will have an excellent track record for never playing by the rules. If per chance they played by any, they’d consistently break them as they go. Eye candy is everywhere. Just saying.
Cheating is the most disrespectful thing one human being can do to another. If you aren’t happy in a relationship, end it before starting another one.
Not everyone makes wise choices, it’s just a fact. But the thing is, we get to decide the hand we want to play. We can select what works and we can even opt for what doesn’t. We can also choose to take part, or we can airbrush ourselves out of the picture. Bottom line, you choose your level of involvement. With that said, it’s important to recognize when something’s over. This is where you collect your thoughts, gather your belongings, while staging the official exit. In other words, this is you wisely navigating through deception, planning your escape as you move on with your gifted life.