Here we have it, another request I simply couldn’t ignore. This is part one of two. To best answer Beth’s email, I titled this post: Finding Clarity in the Confusion. Like so many, we’ve been there. Some experiencing the same set of circumstances, trying to overcome similar challenges. Beth requested I post only the first paragraph of her email, following is but an excerpt:
The blogs you wrote resonated with me and that is why I am writing, in hopes that what you post can help me sort stuff out. I have been with this guy for almost three years now. Within the first year, I questioned whether to continue or whether to end the relationship. I do not think there is cheating, but then again, I am not sure. We met online. There is an age gap, but I do not care. I think what I am looking for is some sort of clarity. Can you please post something that relates? Signed Beth.
Well Beth, I believe you already know. It’s an intuitive hit we receive about a person, place, or situation, that leaves us to do nothing but question. Questions like: Why do I feel this way? Is there something I don’t know? Should I stay or should I go? But here’s the thing, we’re not asking the right person, specifically the one we’re involved with. Instead, we carry on questioning ourselves, those closest to us, and we may even hope to find answers online. There’s a reason for this and that’s what we’ll delve into.
UNDERSTANDING THE RELEVANCY OF FINDING CLARITY IN THE CONFUSION
Everyone needs answers to understand the nature of what they’re experiencing and why. Your email reveals a great deal about the relationship. Before we take this further, Beth, I’d recommend you reread a few paragraphs you’ve written, especially paragraphs 4 and 5, because therein lies a truth. Lack of clarity isn’t something we ever expect to entertain when we’re in love. After all, who wants to find themselves in a state of doubt, uncertain about the person we’re with, when there’s far too much uncertainty existing in the world today? The thing is, what we need is stability, security, balanced relationships, a true partner. Peace of mind.
There were several things that literally jumped off the page when I initially read the email: confusion, unreliability, suspicion, denial, regret, to name but a few. When dating, we believe the relationship we’re in is supposedly on track, moving in the right direction. Two people in love, capable of being open, honest, and forthright with one another. This is especially so in Beth’s case, considering she’s roughly three years in. With much on her mind, she, like so many of us, will ask: Is this going somewhere, or is it a dead-end street? It’s difficult to answer when we lack clarity. This is one question we surely have the answer to if the person we’re seeing is being upfront.
Any time we’re vague about a situation, we can tap into our intuitive nature. Those subtle nudges must mean something? I can attest, they certainly do. In this post, we’ll explore why finding clarity in the confusion will ultimately lead to a sensible outcome. Beth, I sincerely hope you find this post useful. I’m by no means an expert, but I can share my experience.
AMID THE CONFUSION, THERE’S A LESSON ADRIFT
Lack of anything in a relationship throws us off-kilter into a state of flux, grasping at straws, trying to figure things out. Over time, it eats away at our better judgment. This is when we can make bad decisions. We may even sense something is leading to nowhere. Who wants to get stuck there? This can swallow up years of your life. The thing is, by the time we finish muddling our way through the uncertainty, we already know. We usually know within a year whether a relationship’s a fit. Beth, you had your answer to some extent toward the latter half of the first year. Despite that, there’s a tendency to extend the timeline to see if there will be any progress.
What’s upsetting about your dilemma is it leaves you hanging, believing something is bound to change. The thing is, he isn’t providing any clue whatsoever, which is quite challenging, to say the least. Why we have a notion that something is going to evolve may just be wishful thinking on our part. All the signs suggest it’s more in line with an open relationship, one that’s futile, and realistically speaking, grounds for moving on. And I get that in your situation, this may be difficult to accept. After all, you love him. But does he love you?
FINDING CLARITY IN THE CONFUSION MEANS WE ALWAYS KEEP IT REAL
Clarity not only ushers in transparency, but it will also deliver the peace of mind we so desire. Who doesn’t want a transparent relationship? Prior to dating, I had decided what was acceptable and what wasn’t. A transparent relationship was at the back of my mind. After all, I witnessed a few people I knew who had dealt with some dishonest romantic partners. Who wants to discover they’re involved with someone sneaky? It’s time to call a spade a spade. When the person we date keeps secrets, that’s exactly who we’re dating… a secretive person. We have to keep it real.
You will never have to question the intentions or integrity of people who have your best interest at heart.
A BLIP IS BUT A BLIP
Another thing, you ask: Am I with the right person? If you need to ask, therein lies a problem. Let’s face it, if the one you date hides anything, including how they feel about you, you know that something’s off. Call it a vibe, a feeling, or an intuitive nudge that something isn’t quite what it appears to be. Trust yourself. He never mentioned what the relationship is, whether it’s an actual relationship or something entirely different. The only thing you have is, no clue.
I can honestly say I had only one relationship where I felt the need to question things. The fact it wasn’t more than one, goes to show, I was pretty darn lucky. In the grand scheme of things, I viewed this as a minor blip. Perhaps that blip was more so, an oversight on my part.
The thing is, we encounter people who are just inclined to date… a lot. This may account for a higher number of blips for some compared to others. With those incessantly absorbed in habitual dating, all caught up in what I would refer to as a whirlwind of escapades and dating loops. When someone other than who they date catches their eye, you may not hear from them, and that’s how fickle these men are. The relationship doesn’t have a chance. And what do these characters do? They just set it on a perpetual wash, rinse, and repeat cycle. That’s all they know. This is where too many women are trapped into believing the connection means something, when in actuality, it means nothing. Once we prioritize finding clarity in the confusion, we at least know where we stand.
HERE YOU HAVE IT IN A NUTSHELL… THE GAME-CHANGER
Through the duration of a not-so-great-relationship, we may have an uncanny feeling about the person we’re with. The thing is, we can’t always pinpoint a reason for this. We may even let it slide, continuing to see the person without addressing the nature of the connection. However, that said, perhaps the relationship is far from serious, as in my case, it was over before it began. Besides, I was young and had several years of dating ahead of me.
In my previous posts, I emphasize the importance that boundaries play whenever we catch wind of any secrecy, shadiness, or sneakiness. I admit, finding clarity in something like this isn’t always easy when we’re dawdling in confusion. When dating a dishonest man – run (not to him – from him). However, if you want to continue playing the game, setting a restrictive limit is key. It’s a limitation on how far a budding romance is going to go. This is investing less time and less emotion in something that’s not likely to survive. After all, who has time to waste? No one. Yet, so many people do just that, dating people 2, 4, 6 plus years. I want to emphasize, we’re not talking months… but years!! With no questions asked. Three years is a considerable time to not even know where you stand.
Evidently, some of us will stay in a connection a tad longer than we typically would under the circumstances, knowing what we know about the person. As in my case, I was aware, but by that stage, we were both interested in other people. I was in and out of his life to see if anything changed. Over time, it became apparent. I changed. He didn’t. This was a pivotal moment, which, by the way, became the game-changer. An exercise in futility. But realistically speaking, more so, a massive lesson.
SO HOW DOES THIS STACK UP?
Are you having to read between the lines, wanting to make sense of what’s taking place, perhaps even allotting more time for the connection to prove its value? The ambiguous nature alone leaves you with too many unanswered questions. Seriously, who has time to play detective? It’s the first sign that spells out deep-rooted issues within a relationship. I have to put this out there. One of the biggest telltale sign is when you feel you have no recourse but to go through his personal stuff. Should it come to this, it’s time to take hold of what you’re thinking and to head for the nearest off-ramp before it takes a turn for the worse.
Fortunately, I never felt the urge to snoop. To be honest, I would have already bid them farewell, choosing someone more transparent and less secretive. A healthy relationship. This is where we are by far further ahead. There’s not enough time on the clock, having to deal with someone shady. If you ever catch yourself in this space, what’s the point? I ask… what’s the point? At this stage, take a long walk, plant a lot of distance, keep it moving and don’t look back.
THE POSITIVE TWIST
When a person doesn’t choose you, they will not specify their feelings or intentions. This can mean several things. Here are but a few: The individual you’re seeing isn’t ready. Perhaps they fear commitment. Maybe they’re unsure about the person they date. Or they’re happily playing the field. In my case, it was all the above.
We can wonder about something or someone all we want, but that won’t make the situation any clearer. The thing about this is, we can become a negative Nelly or a Debbie Downer in the process of trying to achieve clarity. Which can put a damper on everything we touch. But what if we were to put a positive twist on this? Maybe the guy you’re seeing is extremely shy. Could it be, he’s in love with you, and comfortable with where things are at, but has a hard time expressing it? Perhaps that’s it. A conversation is essential to ensure you’re both on the same page and it will also help you in finding the clarity amid all of the confusion.
However, what if the question marks still overwhelm you after having a chat? Then there’s an issue. Just maybe what you refer to as a relationship, in reality, is just a meaningless hookup or fling. This kind of arrangement can last for years. Only the person you date knows for sure. But what if they don’t? Perhaps the situation is just as challenging for them. How will you know if you don’t have a heart-to-heart? When things remain unclear, we search for answers and will resort to speculation. But here’s the thing – a conversation is a must have. No ifs, ands, or buts. In other words, no excuses.
ARE YOU FEELING LESS THAN… A PRIORITY?
Once we find clarity in the confusion, we will also have it within the connection, which leads to understanding one another better. And this is when a relationship can grow by leaps and bounds. You know, they know, everyone knows. There are no questions, no innuendos, and no beating around the bush. Just two honest people knowing how they feel about one another and open to communicate these feelings.
You may even conclude you aren’t a priority in this man’s life because if you were, you wouldn’t be this perplexed. Uncertainty doesn’t bode well, especially if you’re up in some dreamy state, counting daisy petals while he’s flipping people like someone at a fast food diner flipping burgers. With these types, they have no intention of ever changing. Remember, there are guys who are quite cunning and these relationships usually fall under the heading of toxic connections. Not that we’re insinuating this is what’s taking place. But let’s just put this out there… engaging anything questionable isn’t ideal and isn’t where anyone expects to end up. Unless you are a risk taker, basking in variety, then it’s a given.
As the saying goes, variety is the spice of life, and this is a way of life for some. However, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions either. Regardless, the truth is essential. It will not come to light unless you catch him red-handed, or if someone tells you. It should go without saying, but it’s crucial for you to understand your role in his life. That discussion needs to happen sooner rather than later.
IS TIME ON YOUR SIDE WHEN FINDING CLARITY IN THE CONFUSION REMAINS ELUSIVE?
A great relationship is just that, two people on the same page, confident about what they have and what the future holds. If you date someone who doesn’t convey their feelings, there you are, sacrificing time and the opportunity to meet someone who is more in tune with you. A genuine connection is something we should all aim for. With that comes opening the line of communication with the one you’re with, and depending on how that chat goes, it may very well influence where the relationship ends up. On track or derailed.
Beth, the two of you have to have a talk. It’s time. Begin by being honest with yourself. And if you still have a need for clarity, and want to see if the relationship has a chance, open up a dialogue. There’s a lot to unpack, if no response… leave. Difficult, I know. But doable. The key here is to love you more. I repeat… love you more. You can’t continue down this road feeling the way you do. These are just my two cents. You can take it or leave it. However, before you decide anything, please refer to the third paragraph of the email you sent. I believe it sheds some light that may very well clear up a few things. Just a reminder. No response is a response.
A man in love who has your best interests at heart will want to be honest, and he will open up, laying all his cards on the table. I believe the truth always comes to light, given time. How much more time you want to give to this is up to you. But let’s be honest, the clock isn’t a stopwatch. We don’t stay young forever. Don’t give up all of your best years to someone who refuses to tell you what you mean to them.
THE CANDID CHAT IS JUST THAT – FINDING CLARITY MEANS THE CONFUSION DISAPPEARS
Beth, do you feel uncomfortable broaching the subject with him? Why is that? Now, what if you break the silence and have a candid dialogue only to find he’s defensive? In either case, it spells out poor communication in a not-so-great relationship. If you find that he’s questioning your questions, or avoiding a discussion altogether, then there’s the possibility he has something to hide. And who knows what that could be? At this point, does it matter? Regardless, effective communication is essential for a relationship to survive and thrive.
Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel about what you know.
Whatever you’re going through, you can choose to just chalk it all up to experience, fate, or a valuable lesson. As mentioned in my previous posts, learn the lesson as soon as possible, gradually letting go. We know when someone’s into us, because they not only tell us, they show us. Beth, here’s the thing. It’s closing in on three years. What I would consider significant time to just date someone, without knowing how he feels about you and what the relationship means to him.
REMEMBERING THE QUESTIONABLE TIMES IS REALLY FINDING CLARITY IN THE MIDST OF CONFUSION
I get it. Letting go isn’t easy when we’re in love. By releasing him, you will discover what you mean to him. He may find his way back to you, when the timing is right, when he’s ready, or when he realizes you are it. Or he may very well decide to just keep it moving, choosing to move on to someone else. You at least will have a definitive answer to what you’ve been harboring for far too long. However, whatever you do during the time apart, do not wait. I wouldn’t recommend waiting for anyone, especially anyone noncommittal or who still requires more time. He’s had enough time to figure things out. Just saying.
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.
Beth, you have your answer. Yes, you do. I believe all you have to do is reread your email. You understand what this is. You are aware of what it isn’t, and you already know where it’s at. And you also know how it makes you feel. You can review the times when the two of you were together, and you can also reassess the relationship as if from a third party perspective. Beth, you can even counsel yourself, and that’s being honest with you. This isn’t a farfetched concept, as those who keep a journal know.
From there, you just have to step up to the plate and decide whether to stay, to go, or to give it but a little more time. However, your role in doing nothing will someday come to a head. Ultimately realizing that you will have to call something out for what it is or for what it refuses to be. Why are we inclined to make everything so difficult? When all it takes is one candid conversation.