I’ve recently received emails from those who take an interest in this blog, asking that I share my thoughts on some guidelines to consider when setting standards. This subject bears importance. All of us had someone we had to contend with, whether in love, friendship, at work or in family. And if not, there was the person we knew that had to deal with that someone. Sometimes it’s so obvious, we have no choice but to take note. We may even cringe as we observe a loved one having to deal with those who don’t have their best interests at heart. And let’s not forget the true culprits who add nothing but a heavy load by manipulating narratives to shift blame. It’s sad to consider people do what they do, intentionally or unintentionally. So… here are a few things to consider when setting standards.
FACTORS TO THINK ABOUT WHEN SETTING STANDARDS
People’s emotions are rarely put into words, far more often they are expressed through other cues.
Perhaps we should consider emotional intelligence. Does it have a role? I admit, it has its place, and it’s something to contemplate. It’s important to consider whether someone is reliable, responsible, and compassionate before allowing them full access. Are they considerate, aware of your values, dreams, the way you feel? Can they readily forgive? Are they overtly judgmental? Do they appreciate you the way you deserve to be appreciated? Do they have what it takes to be a friend, a confidant, a person we can trust? Can this connection grow into something more? How will you know if you don’t have something to go by? Sometimes we can be extremely tolerant of unacceptable behavior. Come on now, this is just a fraction of what you should consider. There’s a plethora of articles written on the very subject.
MISSING IN ACTION – SAY WHAT?
What about those who are MIA? Are they missing the mark? Missed dates, missed calls, missed texts. Is your person missing? When someone isn’t showing up for you, it’s a sign. A great relationship begins with two people who bring their best to the connection. Now, I know I’m touching on but a few things we are to reflect on. And it’s those things that call attention to the not-so-great situations. Perhaps it’s time for us to get real. We sense when something isn’t right, so why should we force a fit? Many of us devote too much time dealing with the wrong people. Perhaps there’s some logical explanation why someone frequently drops the ball. Or it could mean there’s something super shady in Shadyville. Just saying.
Take a moment to evaluate if you feel a little edgy about what is happening. If you’re putting up with someone’s behavior but feeling tense, it’s worth exploring the situation more deeply. Maybe now is the time to do some soul searching and uncover the depths of a particular relationship. If you can’t shake that uneasy feeling, it’s possible they don’t belong in your life. Tough call, but so worth it.
QUESTIONING COULD BE A THING YOU KNOW
Question everything. Now, this doesn’t mean a full-blown interrogation. You don’t want to scare someone off (maybe you should). It’s just you needing some clarity. But it doesn’t end there. You need to pay close attention to the way they respond. This is you aware that there could be more to the story. If we’re unclear about anything, it’s easy to misread or misjudge someone. Questions are a good way to find out what you need to know, especially when there are constant misunderstandings. Best to ask why.
THE NUMBER ONE POINT TO PONDER WHEN SETTING STANDARDS
A good relationship isn’t but a one-way street, nor should it be. The couple’s dynamic involves a harmonious balance of giving and taking. Both parties have to want to see it through. It takes two to get it right. And it boils down to one of my favorite words… respect. Respect for ourselves and respect for others. When we respect one another, it becomes the foundation for a good connection that can turn into a great relationship. I can’t emphasize this enough, the significant role respect plays.
WHERE YOU STAND
Another thing to be aware of is where you stand. Do you know? Do they consider you a priority, or are they flitting about nonchalantly, as if you exist one moment but not the next? If someone’s casually in and out of your life… do I even need to spell it out? You deserve better than being treated like someone’s recourse. Only viewing you as a last resort when they don’t have another option. Or, when weighing all of their options to see who’s receptive. Seriously? I can’t believe we’re having to go there. Clearly, this is a sign your connection isn’t the right connection. It either encountered a roadblock or it’s heading straight for Splitsville. From Shadyville to Splitsville, that’s where these types dwell.
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
SO WHAT ARE THE THINGS WE COULD CONSIDER WHEN SETTING STANDARDS
Live your life!! Go out with friends and stop waiting for that person to show up for you. Show up for yourself. Life is short, but it can be oh so sweet. Find joy in the company of those who value and appreciate you. Don’t expect to find someone great while you wait for the person who’s shown you nothing but disrespect. A sign that they are all wrong for you. When you are aware of what works for you, you are in tune with what’s going on around you. This is you playing your ‘A’ game. The interesting part is, they won’t even have a clue you had them figured out right from the start.
Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.